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Coming to Terms With My Sexuality
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By: SurvivingBobby
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I was raised in a middle class family and I had to find many things
out on my own. My parents never gave me 'the talk' so I never knew
what sex and all that stuff was until Health Class in Middle School.
So like most things, I had to figure out about sexual orientation
myself.
Growing up in late elementary school and early middle school, the term
'gay' was often used as another word for 'stupid' or 'weird'. It was
used way out of context. I never really knew what the word meant. I
knew it had to do something with liking boys but I never really
grasped the culture and I had never really met a gay or bisexual
person before so I had never really experienced the presence of a
homosexual but I was always an open minded child so I ignored how bad
people made it out to be and I decided that when the day came, I would
make my judgement.
I was occasionally called a girl and gay while growing up just because
I was honest to myself and I stuck with my female friends whom I had
more in common with instead of kidding myself and pretending I was a
'jock' or whatever they called themselves. I always took it to heart
whenever people said stuff like that. I grew up a sensitive child who
always felt like they were second best because of sibling rivalry with
my brother for my parent's attention. I was in and out of therapist
offices, trying to tell them that nothing was wrong with me but that
didn't stop them from slamming me with antidepressants. I grew to
hate my parents and my whole life for that matter. I don't know how
many nights I stayed up in my room just crying and wishing I could
just run away and find people who would understand me for I was only
beginning to understand myself.
I never even suspected I was anything but straight until I came upon
these online forums for the gay, lesbian, and bisexual community and
joined. I didn't set out to search the Internet for a GLB forum or
support group. I just came upon it and it intrigued me. This was my
chance to meet new people and get to the bottom of what being gay is!
However, I knew something wasn't so heterosexual about me when I was
getting aroused over the male body. I still denied that anything was
up but deep down I knew. I tried to blame it on just being a phase
but after months of it not going away, I knew that these were my true
feelings.
In a matter of months, I worked myself from straight to bi-curious and
then to bisexual. And I knew that I had to just be true to myself and
live my life and not one in which I pretended to be something I
wasn't. Even if people wouldn't necessarily favor my sexual
preference if they ever came to find out, I would still be true to
myself and when figuring out your identity, that is one of the most
important things to keep in mind.
The first person I came out to was somebody I had met on the GLB
forums that I had since been posting on for almost a year off and on.
He was alright with it but why wouldn't he be if he was bisexual
aswell? Since then I have come out to almost all of my online friends
as well as a few friends in real life. For some reason I feel better
telling people who are not my best friends because I guess there is
not that possibility for a wrecked friendship because they could
possibly be disappointed in me. Believe it or not, I would rather
have some 'rumor' reach their ears about my sexuality rather than me
have to tell them myself.
Since admitting my sexuality to myself, I have felt more free and for
once in my live I am happy. You have to take life as it comes at you
and remain true to yourself. Don't be afraid to go against tradition
if it is what you truly feel inside.
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gsc
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