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How Being Gay Has Affected My Sense Of Religion
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By: darkirish731
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When I was younger, I used to go to church. My mother is Roman Catholic.
For a while she used to make me go to church with my grandfather. He'd drive
us allllllllll the way from Nashville to Springfield, Tenn. When you're five,
six, seven years old, that drive seems like it takes forever, but it really
only takes about fourty minutes. Anyway, my grandfather was Roman Catholic as
well, having grown up in a Roman Catholic orphanage in Chicago before being
adopted by two elderly German immigrants in 1947, two years after World War Two
ended. But my grandfather wasn't a frequent church goer, until my cousin Martha
dragged him to her church in Springfield. It seemed, and still does seem
strange to go all that way for church, when Nashville is virtually the religious
capital of the world, having over 2,000 places of worship, representing every
major world religion, including Christianity, Judaeism, Islam, Buddhism, and
Hinduism. And even a few smaller religions like Baha'I. My cousin Martha, the wife
of my cousin Barny, was and still is a devout Baptist. I find it strange, how
she was related to my cousin Barny, a Stuart, and a Catholic, but she was
Baptist. I guess it's funny how life has its little twists and turns isn't it? A
few years down the line and I'd have my own little twists and turns. Like the
fact that I'm bisexual. Something that the conservative Baptists vehemently
preach against.
After my grandfather moved back to Chicago, my mother tried to take me to
Catholic church. She wasn't a frequent church goer either, for that matter.
But she still felt like a Catholic. The whole going to Catholic mass and
confessionals lasted all of two Sundays. It was just as bad to the last, as far as I
was concerned. Only worse. At least at the Baptist church I was with people
my age. At the Catholic church, I was made to sit in a pew and be silent for
three hours, save for prayers and hymns. Little of which I could pronounce. It
was all in Latin.
I was eight then. Two years later, I started puberty. Meh, I was an
"early-bloomer", I suppose. I despise that term, but it applies. A short while
after that, I started liking other boys. I didn't know what the hell was going on.
I never thought boys were supposed to like other boys. But then the 5th grade
ended and I was at a new school. That's where I met a guy...I'll call
"Jamie". Jamie was hot as hell. Even at eleven. I know, it sounds nasty, but bear
with me. That's when I knew I wasn't like my peers. My male classmates would talk
about how hot they thought girls in our class were (I know, at 11 and 12
years old...messed up right?). I could relate. I thought most of those girls
looked pretty decent. But I also thought many of them looked pretty decent. Then
came masturbation. And guilt. I still had some a that ole Baptist teachin's in
me. I thought I was sick and wrong like they had told us in mass when I was
younger. Later, I get that I'm not. But later I'm an atheist, so I suppose that's
a bad example.
When 7th grade started. I started to think that I was what people called
a "fag". A guy who like guys. But the way they'd described it just didn't fit.
I liked girls too. I didn't know what "bisexual" was until a the second
semester of 7th grade. But I felt so wrong. I felt like God would hate me for being
who he made me. Then, toward Christmas break, I got sick of feeling guilty
about everything. I started to see the flaws in the Christian religion. The
hypocrisy. I stopped feeling bad. That was when I started paying attention to the
news.
I always had blind faith in what I was told about God. That he loved
everyone. That the Bible was his Holy book, and if you followed it as best you
could, then you would go and join Him in Heaven. But there it was in the Bible
"if man lies with another man, the way he lies with a woman, he has committed an
abomination". Or something to that general nature. Which I guess takes away
the whole point of it being a quote doesn't it? That's when I stopped believing
in God. That's when Christianity alienated me. That's when I became an
atheist. I was watching CNN or ABC or something like that, and protesters were
holding an anti-gay rally. Christian protesters. Holding signs like "GOD HATES
FAGS", "FAGS WILL BURN IN HELL", etc. I thought about what the Baptists taught me.
That God loved everyone. That He hated no one. That it was a sin to hate.
That God was perfect. But then I thought, if God is perfect, then how can he sin?
Two years later, and I'm still an atheist. One year later, in the 8th
grade, I'd come out to my classmates. I was by-and-large accepted with a fair
amount of ease. Later, I found that was just a front. I'm at a new school, once
again, and thrust deeply back in the closet. God isn't with me, and he never
will be. He is, in my humble opinion, a fictitous idol. But that's not for me to
decide. That's for you to decide. I'm just here to tell you my experience
with being bisexual and dealing with religion. It blows. Point, and case.
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