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A Guide to Coming Out
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By: Paul
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Coming out is a very trying experience for most gay / bi people. It is revealing
something to someone else(s) probably our biggest and most guarded secret. This
can lead to many weeks, months, and even years, of worry. My goal with this guide
it to give you some tips and pointers if you are coming out soon, or if you plan
to do so in the future.
My coming out was, in retrospect, kind of funny. I went with my mom to one of our
favorite resturants for dinner, and a girl (our waitress) mentioned something about
how she spent the entire day with her fiance doing nothing but paying bills and
she loved it. To which I nodded in agreement and said: "Yeah I know what you mean."
Mom got the hint that I had unconsciously put out onto the table. She preceeded
to ask me questions leading up to me telling her that, yes I was gay and, yes the
guy who had been up here for 2 weeks was my boyfriend. The look upon her face is
something I won't soon forget. Confusion and shock, along with some disbelief, it
all merged together in her face. But, she took it well. And that was something that
I had worried about. Now that I am able to be who I am, with no hidden parts of
myself, I am a lot happier at home. And that's what coming out was for me, a way
to be happy with myself. I had reached that point in my life when I was tired of
pretending to be that wonderful loving straight guy, and showed the world that I
was a wonderful loving gay guy.
So, now that you know one of my coming out stories, let's talk about this little
guide.
People come out for many different reasons, and sometimes it is completely unintentional.
And when it happens, you always expect the worst. If anyone of you have been "outed"
you can understand exactly how this feels. But you cannot look at this as a bad
thing, per say. Yeah you weren't prepared and you weren't really ready, but it has
happened, so let's run with it.
It is important that you not stress out over coming out. Stress will not help your
emotional state (and it is already going to be high due to the whole situation)
and make it that much harder on you. Remember to take deep breaths and you don't
necessarilly need to have a pre-rehersed speech prepared for the occasion. I find
that speaking "off the cuff" (without a set plan) is easier for me. It makes it
less stressful. But that's who I am. There is nothing wrong with working out what
you're wanting to say ahead of time. Practice does make perfect.
I find it is best not to come out to a whole group of people at once, take your
time and speak to 1 person. It makes it more personal, and less threatening.
Let's face it, sometimes people are going to react poorly. This can be due to many
different situations, from their upbringing, religious beliefs, or just personal
opinions. When (notice I say not if, because you'll find someone like this eventually)
this happens, do not over-react. Understand that they have their own issues with
this, and while that is not your problem, you should be mindful of how they feel.
Do not push things into their face. I don't like rap music, but I don't hate someone
who does. I just prefer not to listen to it. So if I get into a car with a friend
that loves rap, he should be mindful of how I feel about rap, and try not to crank
the volume up or just change the channel. Every person is entitled to their beliefs,
no matter how different from yours they may be. It does not mean that their beliefs
are wrong or right.
Coming out to your parents can be a nightmare. While parents should be loving and
supportive of their children no matter what, sometimes it is hard for them to remain
there supporting you if they do not believe their kid is doing the right thing.
Also, for gay boys and their fathers, there is normally a sense of failure that
the father might feel. He wasn't manly enough to keep his son straight. This is
a normal reaction, and it is something that he will have to come to terms with.
Another could be the end of a line. If a boy is gay and has no other brothers, he
will not marry and have children. There can be a big sense of loss with this. And
then there are just those religious bonds that are hard to ignore. When you've been
taught for so long that certain behaviors and actions are wrong and improper, you
must fight between that and supporting the child you love. It is a battle that sometimes
goes the wrong way. Many parents who react poorly do come around eventually. Sometimes
they never do. And then sometimes they accept it right off and nothing else needs
to be said. No one knows how it's going to go down.
You know the saying "whatever can go wrong, will."? This is very true. And with
something as big as coming out, things can go wrong. This is why it's important
to have a back-up plan. This is true especially with parents. Sometimes a parent
will kick a child out of the house, and this can lead to being alone and homeless
for however long it lasts. So, set up some emergency place you can stay for a few
nights atleast, then if you need it, it's there for you.
It helps to have a support base. People who support you can give you a lot of courage
when coming out. Friends and family members can be great assets when you come out
to another person. They don't have to be there with you, but you know they support
who you are. It's very important that you come out to a few friends first before
coming out to your parents. It just goes back to that back-up plan.
So guys, when you're ready to come out, just remember to play it cool. Don't get
upset or nervous. And plan ahead.
I may add more to this as time goes on, but I think the basics are here.
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