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I'm Not Gay, I'm Me
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By: Silent_Sovereign
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My coming out story is nothing special. It isn't all that exciting. It doesn't contain
any tribulations of sex. It is simply a recount of the past three or so years of
my life and my struggle to find out who I really am. Mix that with some of the scandal
that comes with being a gay kid in an area filled with homophobic rednecks, and
you are bound to have some drama. A lot of drama, actually.
I guess I really began to question my sexual orientation when I was about 13. I
had seen a commercial for one of those teen help sites on TV, so I decided to go
to it. I didn't really have a reason to go... at least not consciously, anyway.
I searched for stories involving non-Christian religions, and I came to one from
someone who was gay. For some reason, it intrigued me. I guess it was the first
time that the word was presented to me outside of the homophobic environment that
is public school. It was almost like a light bulb lit in my head. Afterwards, I
went to a different part of the site and read something about homosexuality. It
slowly started to click with me. I was starting to ask myself, "Are you really straight?"
Things similar to that occurred pretty regularly throughout the next year or so.
When I was 14, I met someone who was not heterosexual, a first for me. Her name
was Christine, and she was bisexual. She had thought I was gay from the moment she
laid eyes on me. It was strange because she was the only person who didn't treat
alternative sexualities like some kind of disease. We became friends, dated. She
dumped me for some reason. I started dating someone else the next day, which came
off as very cold hearted. And it basically turned the entire grade against me. I
dated this girl for about a month, up until the night after our eighth grade banquet.
The night of the banquet was the first time I had kissed a girl. Blah, blah. I didn't
like it. I was forced into doing it. Anyway, a day later, I broke up with her. I
don't remember my reasons, but I know that I was more confused than ever.
So, school was out, and my final summer before high school [U.S. high school -Ed.]
began. I was confused and lost. So I, doing the normal thing, turned to my greatest
resource, the Internet. I was bored at night, so I began looking for a site that
I had remembered joining a few months earlier. After finding it and creating a username,
I was finally able to be honest without reservations. They had a forum for gay,
lesbian and bisexual teens, and my first post on it contained all of the emotions
that I had pent up for years. That was my first step to coming out - admitting it
to other people, and to myself.
As the summer progressed, I began to come out to the people that I considered my
friends. I started with Christine, then slowly worked my way through most of the
female friends (and ex-girlfriends) that I had. As with all great coming outs, someone
started gossiping. Three or so people that I didn't tell suddenly called and asked
if I was gay. Knowing of only one person who could have told, I cut her out of my
life, and kept it that way for a couple of months...
Then came the day. The first day of high school. It would be the first time I saw
most of the people that I had come out to over the summer, and I knew that would
be a bit awkward. But, to my surprise, it wasn't that bad. I mended the friendship
with my 'betrayer' and slowly began to live life as a high school student. I had
my first somewhat serious crush on a guy that would later become my best friend.
But hey, that is another story, right?
I'm leaving out an important detail about all of this, though. Through the summer,
I had sunk into a state of depression. Not your normal teen angst stuff, either.
There was a lot of pressure at home because of my parents separating for a second
time. And of course, I was still dealing with the stress of coming to terms with
my sexuality. I had just bottled it all up, and during the first few weeks of school,
I started to act differently, often thinking about committing suicide. The guidance
counsellor at my school became aware of that, so we had to talk. That was a really
good thing, which I will get into later.
As October and November passed, I continued to get worse. I was becoming hateful
and reserved. People, including my mum, could tell something was wrong. One night,
I blew up at my mum, and almost hit her. Then I went to my room, shut the door,
and felt like just going to sleep and not waking up. My ever persistent mother came
in and asked me what was wrong. We did the entire, "I can't tell you", and,
"Yes you can", thing for about thirty minutes. I decided that I wasn't in
any shape, mentally, to go to school the next day. So, I stayed home and slept.
That night, my mum asked me, "Are you ready to talk about what was wrong last
night?" I finally got her to start listing things that could be wrong. It was
quite a list, but none of the things involved my sexual orientation. I finally said,
"It isn't a problem with you, or Dad, or anyone. The problem is with me."
She caught on and responded, "Are you gay?" After a pause, I said, "If I was?"
"It would be difficult to understand, but it wouldn't change how I felt about
you." So, I came out to her. I tried to defend myself and convince her that it wasn't
a phase. Facts don't work that well with someone who doesn't want to hear them.
Around this time, I met Brittany. She would end up affecting my life in a number
of ways, though I really wasn't aware of it then. During the first week or so
we talked, she took note of my rainbow necklace and asked if I was gay. Not knowing
what kind of person she was, I didn't tell her. Well, until I was talking to her
one night on an online messenger. I told her I was bi. Why? Because over the course
of our short friendship, I had began to feel strongly about her. So, she classified
as attraction, thus I was forced to say I was bi. That required un-coming out to
a good number of people. But, for the time that it lasted, I was glad that I did.
The relationship, which apparently wasn't really meant to be (no matter how right
if felt), ended with us not talking to each other. We split custody of one of my
friends (inside joke) and went on like that for a few months. In that time, many
rumours began popping up about me being bisexual. I knew where they were coming
from, but there was no way to stop them. A friend of Brittany's, an ignorant,
ogre-like fellow, had stumbled upon something that I had online saying that I was
bi. And he was telling the world.
This is where my guidance counsellor came back into the picture. I went to her office
a lot during this period. The main reason was the fact that my depression had come
back in full force, and she recommended that I see a psychologist for an evaluation,
who found that I was majorly depressed. Big surprise, not. Anyway, I went to her
one day and basically said that I was bi without struggling for words. I was slowly
being outted to the whole school, so one guidance counsellor wasn't that big of
a deal. She made me feel safer, in case something were to happen from all that was
going on. By the end of the year, I had been asked many times if I was bi. After
a while, I either ignored or answered, depending on the person.
School starts soon, and I am expecting to be 'the gay kid.' It doesn't bother
me anymore... I've grown from all that has happened, and I am a stronger, more
confident person because of it. I still don't know exactly what I am, and I still
haven't had a boyfriend, but that is okay. These are the best years of my life,
and I don't need a label to live them. I'm me. I may like guys and girls, but
in the end, I am still Andy. I don't need to be gay, bisexual, or even straight.
You love a person and not a gender, and that is exactly what I intend to do.
Love,
Andy
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gsc
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