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I had been troubled with the idea of telling my best friend Bob that I was gay for weeks. I felt like I was not being fair to him or myself by keeping my secret a secret. Why? Because for the past two years I had fallen in love with him. Big Time! We had shared many things, techniques of masturbation, dick size (he was large), fantasies (of course I replaced the guys in my dreams with girls when I told him), and I had given him back rubs, butt rubs, and even a hand job! Yet, he would not admit that he was gay, or even bi. I had to tell him because I thought it would help me forget how much I longed to be with him.

Every time I thought about us together in a sexual way, my fantasies would be drowned out by my painful realization that he was "not gay". So I decided to tell him. It would take me an hour or so to psych myself up to do it, then something would happen so I couldn't. I repeated this process day after day and after two weeks of this self induced torment I was not eating or sleeping, this was a big thing to do.

I did not want to tell him over the phone, in fear that he would hang up on me before I could fully explain myself, and I really could not tell him in school, because I did not know what his reaction would be.

So the weeks past.

Finally I decided I would just tell him the first chance I got. I tried to think of different ways I could break the news, and thought I had a good plan, but in the end I did not use it. One night we just happened to get online at the same time. As soon as he logged on he "IM'd" me using AOL's instant messenger. We shot the shit for awhile, then I started talking about sexual stuff, and eventually related it to us. I wish I could remember exactly how it went, but it is all a blur. It ended up with me saying something to the affect of: "Hey, I know you're not gay, that's why I can't be friends with you anymore."

"So you're finally admitting you're gay, huh?" he replied.

"Yup," I answered. Not sure at all where this was leading. "I have been trying to tell you for weeks."

BACKGROUND CHECK:
Just so you know I had been telling Bob for two weeks I had something really important to tell him, now back to the story:

"But you never would meet me so I could not tell you face to face," I said.

"That's because I thought you would tell me this."

"So you are not surprised??" I asked.

"Not surprised, just shocked that you actually told me," he answered.

BACKGROUND CHECK:
A week before this all happened we had attended a Valentine's Dance, we were supposed to leave the dance early to go out to eat, but Bob decided to stay until the end of the dance, while I, very angry, went to eat by myself. I followed him home when the dance ended and in an emotional confrontation in his driveway that night he explained that he liked a girl at the dance, and that is why he stayed late. Based on my emotional response to such info., he had already (finally) realized how much I cared about him. On with the story.

We talked more (I am not going to tell you the details, sorry) but did decide not to see each other outside of school, but agreed we would talk inside school. Of course he promised, like a good friend should, that he would not tell anyone, and I believe him.

Coming out to Bob was the hardest thing I've ever done, it is also the best. I have excepted the fact that I have lost the love of my life, but still hope that he may "see the light" if we want to say it that way, and come out to me. (Too many things have happened between us for me to believe he is entirely straight, but I might be wrong.)

To help you understand how much easier it is for me, today, one day after I told him my secret, a group of us were sitting in our school's library. Bob was reading a Sports Illustrated, while I was flipping through Wrestler's World. The other guys sitting with us thought I was trying to find some of our classmates who are Nationally ranked, but I was really just interested in the pictures. I held up a photo to Bob and said, "Look at his outfit," I was pointing to the wrestler's crotch but the other guys did not know this; only Bob saw what I was actually doing, he just started laughing at our private joke. Another example from the same time, we were all talking about Internet porno, when the other guys left the table I tossed Bob a torn piece of paper with a link on it, www.hotguyz.com. "This site has some hot pictures too," I said. He only smiled and started shaking his head. Before I told him I would have never of been able to share such thoughts or feelings, I feel so liberated.

My best advice, and I'm no expert, is to tell a trusted friend or guidance counselor, or someone else, and only if you are torn by keeping it a secret like I was. There is no need to abandon ship, if it is not sinking, but it may be easier then waiting for it to sink. It is a relief to know someone else knows you're gay, that you are not by yourself with such a large secret, but be careful. Though it has only been one day since I told him, I think things between me and Bob will work out just fine, but I'll keep you updated.