The Gay Student Center Web Community and Resource for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Questioning College Students and Teens

Coming out at age 23 has to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Since telling my brother and mom the other day (April 11th) I don't feel like I have a worry in the world.

I recently read the coming out story of Jason who I think has an awesome website (JGH) and keeps a pretty up-to-date diary. I can relate in a lot of ways. I wish, at times, he and I were friends. Anyway, I totally understood the feelings of loneliness and invisibility until a few days ago.

It was really hard. But, to understand how and why I finally mustered up the courage to 'out' myself, I have to go back to the night of April 10th.

Okay, I had a really good job at a department store as an assistant store manager. I think that's good to be a 23 year old full-time student. Anyway, I quit that job in February as well as took a break from school. The bio pre-med program is grueling. Anyway, a friend of mine (who came out to me about 2 weeks ago when we took a trip to Fayetteville) to go to his job, which is fast food, and put in a application. I put one in too. I got hired. Well, I worked for about a week and quit. My reason you may ask, I didn't like the job. Well, I my day was going well Monday April 10th, until my mom asked me what time I was going to work.

I told her I had quit and she went ballistic. So, I just left the house I quess around 4:30p and went to the senior high school track to run. That's what I do when I get upset. I ran for nearly 2 hours and decided to drive back home, take a bath, and leave town. I knew exactly where I'd be goind too. I had been talking to this guy over the net and the phone nearly 2 weeks and decided to visit him; he lived about an hour and half away.

So, after bathing and avoiding my mom, I threw a shirt, my toothbrush, and dental floss in the back seat of my car and left. I had no intention of telling my mom anything; not even where I was going. I did leave her a note saying that I'd be back home at 6a. the next morning.

I drove to the guy's, Lee is his name, house and spent the night.

I snuck back in the house around 6:15a. April 11th. I got in my bed and heard my mom on the phone with my grandma. She was telling her that she didn't know where I was and was worried and all. I learned later that day that she'd been out looking for me most of the night and cried herself to sleep.

So, what I did, after my mom went to work, was beat myself over the head for about 2 hours... as Jason said in his 'coming out' entry; I tried psychying myself up to tell them I was gay. I finally did it. I went down the hall to my brother's room. My mom had left for work by this time and I still don't think she knew I was in my room. Anyway, I opened my 22 year old brother's bedroom door and saw him lying across the bed playing a video game. I sat down in the sofa and told him I had something really important to tell him and that I had to do it today because it had really been eating at me for the past 5 years more than ever. He asked, "What?" I started by saying something to the extent of me having to put up with such heartache and pain because of the way I felt and told him that he would have to treat me the same and still love me. It's all a blur; I don't remember exactly what all I said, but I do know that we both started to cry. Then, I just came out and told him. "I'm gay."

All in all, we sat and talked for a while. His main focus was how I knew, for sure, that I was. He told me he was okay with it and said he still loved me and nothing would change.

Boy, did I feel a huge relief. After I left his room, I felt like I'd just accomplished the hardest thing I'll ever have to accomplish in my life. I thougt to myself that becoming a doctor can't be so hard.

After I got back to my room, I sat and thought about the fact that the hard part is still to come. I have to tell my mom. So, I felt like I needed support and went and asked my brother if he'd sit in on the talk with my mom and give me support. He said that this is something I needed to do myself. So, waited for her to come home from work.

Later, that night, my mom came into my room and asked where I'd spent the night and why I left. I told her to sit down. We were the only two in the house... lucky for me. I guess I started the talk the same way I did with my brother. I told her I hoped she'd love me the same and that I would be the same person after I told her what I needed to tell her. I told her that nothing she did in raising me made me choose this lifestyle. I told her that it wasn't a choice at all. It's who I am. "Mom, I'm gay". I finally said it. We both cried for a while. She analyzed the whole thing saying, "You just haven't found the right girl, yet". She just couldn't believe her oldest son was gay. "You like men," she asked. "Yes, mom. I do," I replied. "But, you don't act like 'those people,'" she said. She could not come to terms with the thought, but she did say that she accepts me and loves me and I'll always be her baby. But, still, she believes it's a choice and I 'just haven't found the right girl.'

Anyway, I told her about Lee and told her that I would not stop seeing him. She's okay with that, but just dosen't want to meet him right now. I can understand that.

Well, just wanted to share my bit with everyone. I've really grown to like the Gay Student Center.

Corey.